My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
high people should be assigned attendants
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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