Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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