Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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