I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
