Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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