I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize