I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
