I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
i think my cat just said my name.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
