Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
