I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
