I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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