turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
