And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
