Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
