When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
