I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
