Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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