I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
