Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Randomize
