life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
That's how pantless uber rides happen
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
