"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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