my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize