she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
