Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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