I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
