He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
