If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
zippers are such a cool invention
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
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