Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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