im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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