i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Randomize