and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
