Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
My bed smells like the plague
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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