i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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