I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
