i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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