You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Randomize