I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
