Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
