I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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