Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
