im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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