Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
