i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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