I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
