last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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