Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
