can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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