I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
