Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
