if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
