I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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