I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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