How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
