I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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