I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
