He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
