Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
