I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
