I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize